My Life in Lists Read online

  You can’t take it with you but you can leave it with the concierge.

  Bats don’t see by radar. They hear by ASDIC (some navy thing).

  Nymphs and shepherds come away, come away, come away (sung).

  Spinach is edible girders (thought it was ‘girdles’ for a time).

  Don’t talk back. [followed by] What have you got to say for yourself?

  When I’m reading the paper I am in a separate inaccessible dimension.

  If you want something done ask an engineer. And he’ll ask your mother.

  We’re not getting a second home until you appreciate the first one.

  Supermarket car parks are the most dangerous places on earth.

  You never know what you’ve got until you’ve checked the shed.

  My First Out-of-Body Experience

  My dad wants me to study three sciences for A level. Mum doesn’t.

  The Headmaster offered us all tea and biscuits including me.

  Which was a reassuring sign that I wasn’t about to be punished.

  They then talked about me as if I was a piece of cheese.

  The Head said that two sciences and English literature was unheard of.

  But would lead to a well-rounded individual, countered my mum.

  The Head teaches Chemistry so definitely wasn’t impressed by that.

  My dad then said what was needed was a ‘polyvalent’ solution.

  Something happened to the Head’s face which I think was a smile.

  Afterwards my mum kissed my dad on the school premises.fn1

  fn1 I almost went for three sciences at that point.

  How I’m Preparing for My Date with Ruth Simons

  Reminded myself that girls are also hominids and share much of our DNA.

  Practised a three-second delay before speaking to eliminate crassness.

  Skimmed through a book of the nation’s favourite poems for added depth.

  Shaved incredibly carefully round major blackhead-incident zone.

  Selected clothes that are cool and haven’t been knitted by Nan.

  Developed knowing laugh for things she says I don’t quite hear/get.

  Packed handkerchief for nervous sweating or sudden nosebleed.

  Loosened shoelaces to prevent me walking too fast and disappearing.

  Ironed blue underpants then decided to go for relaxed white look.

  Borrowed three condoms from Steve. Sale or return.

  Post-Match Analysis of First Date with Ruth

  No physical injuries, scrapes, sprains, lesions, scuff marks, etc.

  Crassness delay failed on two occasions. Rapid backtracking required.

  A lot of conversation was about Emma Standish and Lance Adams.

  Long discussion about ‘what’s going on’ between Emma and Lance.

  Unsuccessfully attempted to divert conversation towards music charts.

  Unexplained sudden weeping (Ruth). Nothing to do with me apparently.

  Tried empathisation. Deployed handkerchief. Declined.

  Walked home together. Attempted light Female Eunuch-based chat.

  Hug from Ruth. Breasts held clear. Hair in face. Awkward.

  Kept Steve’s condoms in case I’ve totally misread situation.

  How the World Looks Now That I Have Finally Had Sexfn1

  I now sit at the back of the bus through sheer weight of weltschmerz.

  The world has nothing left to teach me. I’ve reached its wildest shores.

  I won’t be reading poetry any more. Kind of misses the point.

  Feel my appearance has changed outwardly but don’t quite know how.

  I didn’t expect sex involving me could be that good.

  Love and sex aren’t the same thing. Not sure which one feels better.

  There is no part of a girl which isn’t supercharged with electricity.

  I don’t want to have children with Becky Hatton. I’m just not ready.

  But using a condom is like having a clown present during sex.

  Relieved that my running times haven’t been adversely affected.

  fn1 With Becky Hatton. Not exactly what I was planning but ‘life is about changes and how you respond to them’ (according to Dad).

  How a Morris Marina Nearly Got Between My Twin Sisters

  Lucy seems to have no trouble attracting male attention.

  Most of this she treats with the absolute contempt it deserves.

  But Barry has passed his test and has a Morris Marina Coupé.

  Everyone knows that this is the wankiest car in history.

  Barry is happy to drive Lucy around town. Which she likes.

  They visit shops and other places of interest.

  Then Charlotte asked Barry for a lift into town. Barry said yes.

  He doesn’t know that twins look similar but are subtly different.

  Like the Morris Marina 1.3 and 1.8. Same chassis, different engine.

  Barry was dumped immediately so now there’s no lifts for anyone.

  What Happens Now That I Am Officially Going Out with Ruthfn1

  I cycle across to her house with my cycle clips on.

  For coolness I make absolutely sure that I take my cycle clips off.

  Her mum asks whether I want to stay for supper.

  I say no because I’ve already had tea at home.

  Wonder again what the difference between tea and supper is.

  Also the Simonses eat a lot of weird pasta which I don’t like.

  Unless it’s Spaghetti Bolognese which isn’t really pasta.

  Go up to Ruth’s room and listen to Diana Ross/Donna Summer.fn2

  We snog a bit but Ruth always ruins it by talking.

  We have both agreed not to have sex until we’re married.

  fn1 Our first date was a success I discovered afterwards.

  fn2 Not much Donna Summer because apparently it excites me too much.

  Why My Eighteenth Birthday Wasn’t as Good as I Was Hoping

  I said I wanted a party for all my friends with a hog roast.

  My dad went out and bought the pig.

  Which might as well have been a guinea pig. It was a piglet.

  Dad said it would feed all my friends which implied I didn’t have many.

  Some of the girls were horrified by the poor little piglet on the spit.

  My dad tried to cook it on a bonfire which just singed it.

  In the end Dad poured petrol on the pig and cremated it.

  Steve Baker drank most of the cider and then vomited in the compost.

  We left for the pub because I was too embarrassed to stay at home.

  My parents claimed my £100 no-smoking money in damages.fn1

  fn1 They gave it to me after I threatened to start smoking.

  ‘Solid Reasons’ My Father Has Not to Study English at Universityfn1

  You won’t be able to read a book for pleasure ever again.

  You won’t help British manufacturing compete with Germany/Japan.

  There’s a genuine danger of slipping into amateur dramatics.

  All English teachers are Marxists bent on revolution.

  The other people on your course will be intellectuals/sexual deviants.

  You don’t study decent authors like Wilbur Smith.

  It’s not an academic discipline like Science where you have to know stuff.

  If books really are your thing you can read on the train.

  You will be completely unemployable except as a Marxist English teacher.

  Your cousin Eric studied English and now he’s in some kind of asylum.

  fn1 Rerun of A-level debate. ‘Polyvalent’ solution only possible in USA.

  ‘Passionate Pleas’ from My Mother on Why I Should Study English

  Eric is actually a civil servant and doing really well.

  All that’s worth knowing about life is in the pages of great literature.

  You’ll have plenty of time to develop other interests like drama.

  Only th
e most sensitive and intuitive people are drawn to literature.

  That’s why your father studied engineering and now works underground.

  By deconstructing great books you can discover the politics behind them.

  Scientists can be rather dull and laboratories often smell quite odd.

  Rats shouldn’t be dissected. Which is what most scientists do.

  Your consciousness is less likely to evolve if you study Sciences.

  Your mother studied English and it was the happiest time of her life.

  Why I am Going to Study Engineering at University

  My father makes a lot of sense. He has done well underground.

  My mother studied English and is prone to weeping over nothing.

  Engineering is a very useful subject and I will get a good job.

  I worked really hard to get Science A levels. Why waste them?

  Engineers get to work on big important projects of national significance.

  When I look at myself in the mirror I see engineer. Civil engineer.

  Ruth chucked me.

  If she’s the kind of person studying English then count me out.

  To be honest, there’s a whiff of self-indulgence about literature.

  What would you rather have? Philip Larkin or mains drainage?

  How My Relationship with Ruth Ended

  I suggested that we should go to a comedy club in London.

  She said she didn’t want to plan too far ahead.

  Is two days ‘too far ahead’? I asked somewhat surprised.

  She felt we didn’t want the same things and she needed space to grow.

  I said, ‘You’re a bit young for an allotment.’

  Me not taking serious things seriously was another reason for us splitting.

  How many other reasons were there? I stopped her at six.

  Was there someone else involved? Lance Adams for example.

  He’s really sweet but he’s just a friend.

  In a holding pattern with his undercarriage down. Goodbye.

  Technical Reasons Why I Failed My Driving Test

  Driving off without examiner.

  Not getting into right lane to turn right off one-way street.

  Noticing Ruth out with Lance walking hand in hand.

  If she wants to go out with someone that shallow then fine.

  It’s incredibly unlikely that he’ll become a professional footballer.

  And what about your famous love of poetry and literature?

  And feelings! Do you think Lance has any of those? I think not.

  You never dressed like that when we went out. Utter hypocrisy.

  In terms of boyfriends you’re now on a downward slope, Ruth.

  Failing to stop for pedestrian on zebra crossing.

  My First Day at University and Possibly My Last Day at Home Ever

  My mum and dad were supposed to take me and my stuff to university.

  The car was absolutely packed then my mum carried a box of books out.

  She said it was a selection of literature important for ‘balance’.

  Then they had a row. A big one.

  It started with books then escalated to arts vs sciences.

  I knew the next level was politics so I went inside.

  Dad ended up driving me. The first hour was in total silence.

  He did a lot of aggressive overtaking and swearing.

  We found my room and unloaded. He apologised, gave me £40 and left.

  I got my Earth, Wind & Fire poster up and faced my future alone.

  New Stuff I Have Learned as a Student (Excluding Engineering)

  Lecturers can’t lecture. They shouldn’t even be allowed to.

  Laundry is a never-ending cripplingly expensive industrial process.

  I have investigated sending my laundry home by post.

  It’s easy to make new friends. Tom, Ben and Ronnie.

  It’s very difficult to get rid of your new friends, Ben and Ronnie.

  Beer makes you feel very studenty and mature and involved.

  I literally cannot talk at breakfast. I struggle to get things in my mouth.

  The library has an impenetrable force field. I simply bounce off it.

  Athletics is incredibly competitive. Do they have an extra lung?

  I’m the first engineering student ever to audition for Waiting for Godot.fn1

  fn1 Haven’t heard anything yet.

  Why Breakfast is the Low Point of My Day

  The toaster in the dining hall is an engineering slap in the face.

  You place two slices of bread on a little conveyor belt.

  After about five minutes they finally disappear into the toaster.

  You then have enough time to get yourself a coffee.

  Later that morning the toast drops out of the other end.

  Still completely white but slightly less bendy.

  Then some criminal takes them because he’s been waiting half an hour.

  Your two slices are still in there somewhere doing absolutely nothing.

  When I graduate I’m going to completely redesign the toaster.

  And the computer, the phone, the watch and the Hoover.

  How My New Friend Tom Raised My Sophistication Levels

  I was at the back gate of college warming up for a run.

  Someone I recognised from the toast machine joined me in his kit.

  He asked to run with me. I suddenly felt I was in Chariots of Fire.

  We started running and chatting for a few miles.

  He stopped chatting. I said are you OK? He said, ‘Couldn’t be better.’

  Then he threw up. I think I recognised my toast.

  We walked back slowly. He was studying philosophy.

  Philosophy was ‘invisible engineering’. So completely useless, I said.fn1

  He asked about classical music. I said ‘Knock on Wood’ was a classic.

  That evening he made a mix tape just for me called ‘Emergency Culture’.

  fn1 He agreed. That’s when I knew he was all right.

  Why You Should Never Mix Sex and Culture

  Amazingly I got the part of Taurus in Antony and Cleopatra.

  Taurus says, ‘My Lord?’fn1 I’ve tried the line about 300 different ways.

  In the play I have to lead an army across the stage. Without speaking.

  During the wait I chatted to Charmian.fn2 We snogged (in character).

  Later we had a drink. She came up to my room. Sex looked unavoidable.

  To enhance the mood I put ‘Emergency Culture’ on my ghetto blaster.

  The first track was ‘Ride of the Valkyries’. Foreplay got a bit heated.

  The next track was ‘The Minute Waltz’. Last thing I needed.

  Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ was next. Charmian turned it off just in time.

  I put on the Pointer Sisters. ‘Slow Hand’ came on and we started again.

  fn1 It’s the only thing he says.

  fn2 Cleopatra’s handmaiden.

  Why You Should Also Never Mix Sport and Culture

  I tried to get selected for the uni athletics team for the nationals.

  But didn’t make the grade in any event. I’m just not fast enough.

  Our captain Dan said no one had tried out for the 10k walk.

  That’s because it looks ridiculous I told him. He said I’d get a club tie.

  I practised a bit of speed walking. Alone in my room obviously.

  Went to Crystal Palace. Walked 10k looking like a twat. Came last.

  Had great club dinner. I got special award for ‘Entertainment’.

  Got out of bed backwards because hamstrings were now length of Chile.

  Couldn’t lead the army across the stage for Antony and Cleopatra.

  My mate Tom had to come on and point the army in the right direction.

  My ‘Date’ with Emma Standish

  During the vacation I had a call from Leon, an old friend from school.

  Leon sai
d he was going to the Dealers gig in town, Steve Baker’s band.

  They’re a kind of New Wave punk band quite big on the local scene.

  I said it wasn’t my kind of music. He said that Emma Standish was going.

  And apparently she had said it would be good to see me.

  The gig was in the back room of a pub. The speakers filled half the room.

  A big picture of Edvard Munch’s The Scream was their backdrop.

  Steve looked and sang like the screaming man in the painting.

  Emma danced in front of Steve all night. I really hated him and his music.

  Outside I put The Temptationsfn1 on my Walkman like emergency oxygen.

  fn1‘Papa Was a Rollin’ Stone’.

  Contents of My Food Parcel from Nan in Order of Usefulness

  Brand-new five-pound note (probably specially ordered from bank).

  Variety pack of cereals including Rice Krispies.

  Home-made gingerbread in greaseproof paper.

  Miniature of Drambuie. Good for colds apparently.

  Cuttings from local newspaper about engineering jobs.

  Free 1983 Calendar from Liddle Johnson Solicitors.

  Green bobble hat knitted from world’s roughest wool.

  Handwritten letter keeping me up to date with her garden.

  Plum jam.

  Cuttings about my ‘friend’ Alex Cartwright also doing well at college.

  Things I Learned About Myself at Student Dinner Party

  Everything I say is framed in patriarchal language and is thus invalid.

  I am complicit in the subjugation of all women.

  I am a rapist. Or at the very least a potential one.

  Engineering is a male construct designed to perpetuate patriarchy.