My Life in Lists Read online

  Contents

  Cover

  About the Book

  About the Author

  Also by Guy Browning

  Dedication

  Title Page

  Helpful Things to Know About This Book

  What I Will Do When I Am Grown Up

  My Friends in Mr Bennett’s Class

  How I Described My Family in My ‘Describe Your Family’ Project

  My 10 Top Matchbox Cars

  What Happened to Paul Jenkins’s Felt Tips

  Why My Dad Thinks My Nan Spoils Me

  Best Things Me and Steve Baker Did on the Summer Holidays

  What I Do When I’m Sent to My Room

  The First Tragedy in My Life

  My First Impressions of Big School

  Why I Don’t Like Football

  Weird Things My Mum Does with My Sandwiches

  How My Mum and Dad Are Doing as Parents So Far

  Why My Twin Sisters Lucy and Charlotte Totally Ignore Me

  My Brutal New Hygiene Regime

  How Limestone Led Almost Directly to My First Kiss

  Why Steve Baker and I Don’t Seem to be Friends Any More

  How My Sister Lucy Became a Total Adult Virtually Overnight

  How I Miraculously Acquired Some Cool Points

  Highlights of Fifth Form School Trip to Normandy

  Reasons That I Am Now Probably a Man

  What I Think of My Sisters Now I’m a Lot Taller Than Them

  My Ingenious But Fattening Method of Revision

  Head vs Heart vs Breasts

  My O-Level Results with Notes

  Things My Dad Says Which Make Absolutely No Sense At All

  My First Out-of-Body Experience

  How I’m Preparing for My Date with Ruth Simons

  Post-Match Analysis of First Date with Ruth

  How the World Looks Now That I Have Finally Had Sex

  How a Morris Marina Nearly Got Between My Twin Sisters

  What Happens Now That I Am Officially Going Out with Ruth

  Why My Eighteenth Birthday Wasn’t as Good as I Was Hoping

  ‘Solid Reasons’ My Father Has Not to Study English at University

  ‘Passionate Pleas’ from My Mother on Why I Should Study English

  Why I am Going to Study Engineering at University

  How My Relationship with Ruth Ended

  Technical Reasons Why I Failed My Driving Test

  My First Day at University and Possibly My Last Day at Home Ever

  New Stuff I Have Learned as a Student (Excluding Engineering)

  Why Breakfast is the Low Point of My Day

  How My New Friend Tom Raised My Sophistication Levels

  Why You Should Never Mix Sex and Culture

  Why You Should Also Never Mix Sport and Culture

  My ‘Date’ with Emma Standish

  Contents of My Food Parcel from Nan in Order of Usefulness

  Things I Learned About Myself at Student Dinner Party

  How Alex Cartwright Unremembered Our Primary School

  How I Got Serious about My Exams on Platform 2 at 4am

  My First Slightly Disappointing Brush with the Occult

  How These Predictions Came True Sooner Than I Anticipated

  How It Felt After I Finished My Final Exams

  My Last Holiday Before Maturity and Responsibility

  Reasons I’m Worrying About My First Engineering Job Interview

  What Actually Happened in My First Engineering Job Interview

  Charlotte Raises the Stakes in the Crap Boyfriend Challenge

  My Boss Ron. Not Necessarily What I Expected

  Well-Meaning and Timely Financial Advice to Myself

  How I Fell in Love with Two Voices on the Same Evening

  I Know How Early Unsuccessful Aviation Pioneers Must Have Felt

  Forensic Examination of Why I Always Overpurchase Fairy Liquid

  Ten Reasons I Love Running

  The First Human Death in My Family

  Best Things About Being an Electrical Engineer

  My First Wedding as an Independent Adult

  A List of My Top 10 Blessings Now That I Am 25

  How My Training Is Going for the London Marathon

  What My Bank Statement is Telling Me About Myself

  Why Shared Showers Are Not Like They Appear in the Movies

  The Most Frightened and Powerful and Relieved I’ve Ever Felt

  Why I Don’t Like Ron’s Boss and Neither Does Ron

  My Cousin Bella’s Amazing Wedding

  My First Visit to the Eastern Bloc

  How I Instantly Changed My Mind About Moving to Prague

  As Far As I Know What Happened to Sabah

  My Iron-Willed Strategy to Get Over Sabah

  My First Near-Death Experience

  Things I Missed in the Five Months I Was Going Out with Sabah

  What I Learned about My Mother’s Mystery Illness

  Complications Arising From My Mother’s Illness

  How I Try to Make My Diet Seem More Sophisticated Than It Is

  How Filling Up at Esso Prompted Recollections of my Collections

  How My Humiliating Assessment at the Waste of Money Gym Went

  Frank and Brutal Assessment of My Love Life

  What I Say When People Ask Me How I Met Abi

  What Abi Says When People Ask Her How She Met Me

  Lovely Romantic Things I Did During our Whirlwind Courtship

  Ten Things I’ll Always Remember About the New York Marathon

  Cool Dispassionate Analysis of Whether I Should Marry Abi

  How I Meant to Propose to Abi

  Why My Running Spreadsheet is a Thing of Sublime Beauty

  Why I Warm to My Father-in-Law

  Why I Seem to Have a Mother-in-Law from Central Casting

  My First Argument With Abi About Values

  How I Came Close to Spoiling My Ballot Paper in the Election

  Interesting Things About Marriage Guidance

  How My Marriage Was Nearly Sabotaged by Abi’s Best Woman

  Ten Highlights of My Wedding

  Wonderful Memories of Our Incredible Honeymoon

  How I Squeezed a Mild Existential Crisis into One Working Week

  Why I Am Absolutely Rubbish at Confrontation

  Ten Stupidest Things I Have Done in My Life So Far

  What We Did With a Lovely But Rather Tricky Wedding Present

  How Steve Baker Shocked Me More Than He Ever Did in the Past

  A Little Insight into My Place in Abi’s Universe

  My Boss Ron’s Finest and Darkest Hour

  Observations on Pregnancy to be Published Only After My Death

  Abi’s Actual Birth Plan

  My Actual Birth Plan

  What I Know About Fatherhood After 18 Days

  My Low Expectations of Auntie Lucy and Charlotte Are Met in Full

  How a Tiny Boy Has Flipped My World on Its Back

  What We’re Going to Call Baby Number Two

  Interesting Things About Our Lovely Little Girl Amelia

  Why We Are Moving to a Village in the Country

  My Top 10 Silences

  Looking Back, Where I Think My Career Went a Little Bit Wrong

  How My Parents Are Shaping Up as Grandparents

  An Insight into My Sister from a Boyfriend Who Made It Out

  Secret Little Rituals I Have to Make Life More Bearable

  Why the Bedroom I Grew Up in Is No More

  My 10-Point Plan for Safety at Work

  My 10-Point Plan for Safety at Home

  Really Upsetting Things You See on the News

  Why I’m Beginning to Think Tom Stole My Hollywood Career

  Responsible Long-Term
Financial Planning Like My Dad Does

  Why I Am Thinking of Changing Our New Baby’s Name to ‘Peace’

  My First Encounter with a Kebab

  My Fear That My Parents Are Actually Turning into Each Other

  A List of My Top 10 Blessings Now That I Am 42

  Ten Things I’ve Noticed About Abi’s New Job

  How a Telegram from the Queen May Have Killed My Nan

  Realistically What the Best Things About Kids Are

  Drawbacks of Children Prospective Parents Should Be Aware Of

  Things It’s Impossible to Explain to People Who Don’t Have Kids

  Phrases I’ve Suddenly Noticed Comprise 90% of My Conversation

  Why I Still Write Lists

  Why Arguments with Abi Seem to Be in Reverse

  The Truth About Engineers

  What Happens When Abi Goes Up to See Her Friend Penny

  Why I Sometimes Get Really Really Sick of Myself

  How I Feel After I’ve Eaten

  Why I Visited the SS Great Britain Twice in One Day

  Anecdotes I Must Stop Telling Because Even I Find Them Boring

  Why I Have Taken a Job in Libya

  How I Learned to Swear in Spanish

  My Understanding of Advanced Theoretical Physics

  How Abi Coped With Me Being Away for Three Months

  Why I’m Pulling the Plug on My Engineering Career

  Interesting Things About Marriage Guidance (Part 2)

  Where I Was When the Rt Hon. Alexander Cartwright Lost His Seat

  How the Valley of Death Isn’t All Bad

  Jobs I’m Considering While Sitting in Empty House With No Kids

  Skills Needed to Access ‘Easy Open’ Ready Meals for One

  What Being Divorced Feels Like

  How to Avoid Talking to People About Your Divorce

  How Lucy’s New Boyfriend Makes My Heart Sing with Joy

  My First Holiday with All the Kids as a Single Dad

  How I Am Now Virtually a Theatre Writer/Producer/Director

  What I Really Had to Do to Get the Gig

  Biscuits in Order of Their Therapeutic Value

  Options for What to Do With Your Wedding Ring After Divorce

  Contents of My ‘Important Documents’ File at Home

  Why I Can’t Talk About Ben

  Why It’s Never a Good Idea to Look Up Your Ex-Girlfriends Online

  An Unexpected Archaeological Find from a Past Life

  How Ian Created a Highly Charged Atmosphere

  How It Feels Sleeping with Someone New After Years of Marriage

  Important Things to Look for in ‘New Wife’ According to My Kids

  How the Dating Website Interpreted This Brief for Me

  How for a Brief Moment I Thought I Was a Great Lover

  How Online Dating Is Beginning to Feel Like Electrical Engineering

  How We Built this Village on Motown, Soul and Disco

  My New Awesome Social Media Marketing Machine

  Entry Requirements for the Dads’ Soul Choir

  Our Serious Semi-Professional Auditions for A Choir Leader

  My Growing Realisation That Some Women Are a Bit Odd in Bed

  What I Think About Being 50

  How My Running Career Ended With a Bang

  What I’ve Learned After Two Months on Crutches

  Reasons Why I Am Never Rude About Trainspotters

  Possible Things My Mum’s ‘Interesting Development’ Could Be

  How God Singled Out My Father for Special Treatment

  How I Am Very Rapidly Instilling in My Children a Love of Culture

  My Mugs in Descending Order of Drinking Preference

  Breakthrough Moments in the Progress of Civilisation

  Why Alan Is the Last Person You Would Expect Moves From

  How Crime and Punishment Works in the Digital Age

  Why I Think I May Be an Evolutionary Cul-de-Sac

  Tom’s Second Chance at the Big Time

  Why We Nearly Didn’t Make It to Our Finest Hour

  Our Four and a Half Minutes of Fame

  My Father’s Illness, Death and Funeral in 10 Points

  One Thing My Dad Said Which Now Makes Sense

  What I Have Learned About Sex in 30 Years On and Off

  Why I May Not Quite Understand the Whole Gardening Thing

  Why I Am Now a Bigger Global Celebrity Than Tom Ever Was

  Why I Am Grateful to the Japanese for Their Love of Flamenco

  How I’m Preparing for My Date With Lourdes

  If I Was Lourdes How I Would Rate Our Date

  If I Was Myself How I Would Rate My Date with Lourdes

  My Current Standing in the Ongoing Parent vs Screen Contest

  My Limited Understanding of My Mum’s Reaction to My Dad’s Death

  Top Sensory Experiences (non-erotic)

  What’s Happened to My Twin Sisters Since I Last Looked

  What Charlotte Has Been Doing for the Last 30 Years

  How My Work Turned Out to Be Entertainment and Competence

  Why Loving Lourdes Is Easy (Because She’s Beautiful)

  What Life Has Taught Me So Far

  Why Autumn Is Probably My Favourite Season

  Why For the First Time I Feel Like Giving Up Lists

  Acknowledgements

  Copyright

  About the Book

  Everyone loves a list

  And this is a novel, told entirely in lists.

  Have you ever wondered what your life might look like in little lists?

  It might look something like this

  This funny, surprisingly moving novel follows the everyday life of our list-making hero, from the very first bullet points at 10, through school days, first crushes, teenage kisses and first dates, clumsy sexual encounters and university, early career, serious falling-in-love and marriage, kids, divorce, professional meltdown and resurrection, frightening online dating, and miraculous new love again, aged 50.

  My Life in Lists is a book to tickle funny bones and move hearts in equal measure.

  About the Author

  Guy Browning comes from a long line of English eccentrics who, for many centuries, have contributed almost nothing to the great sweep of history. He is currently continuing that proud tradition on a small farm in Oxfordshire, raising rare breeds of human being.

  In his spare time, he has written, amongst other books, Office Politics, Never Hit a Jellyfish With a Spade, Go Home Early, Maps of My Life, How to Be Normal and, most recently, The British Constitution: First Draft.

  www.guybrowning.co.uk

  Also by Guy Browning

  The Social Survival Handbook

  Double Your Salary, Bonk Your Boss, Go Home Early

  Innervation: Creativity from the Inside

  Weak at the Top

  Grass Roots Management

  Never Hit a Jellyfish With a Spade

  Never Push When It Says Pull

  Office Politics

  The Lost Pond

  The Pocket Guru

  Maps of My Life

  How to be Normal

  The British Constitution: First Draft

  To Ceci, Theo and Will

  Helpful Things to Know About This Book

  I started writing these lists when I was 10.

  Just after we’d studied the Ten Commandments at school.

  I thought if God can say it all in 10 points so can I.

  My mother always badgered me to keep a diary.

  Because she always wished she’d kept a diary.

  My dad preferred To Do lists because he was an engineer.

  These lists were a kind of compromise.

  I suppose these are my private To Do lists.

  Except they are about what actually got done.

  Let’s call them my What Actually Happened lists.

  What I Will Do When I Am Grown Up

  Marry a tall woman from distant Ophir.fn1

  Travel around the world with por
ters and leather luggage.

  Drive at 90mph in a blue Jensen Interceptor.

  Have two of each type of children to be fair on everyone.

  Buy my mum and dad a Georgian mansion with a range of servants.

  Build a secret tunnel with lighting between my garden and Steve’s house.

  Set up a new nice political party called the Quiet Life Party.

  Invent a new flavour like liquorice but less disgusting.

  Run a mile in under three minutes.

  Have my sisters emigrated for their own good.

  fn1 Place from my dad’s favourite poem which he recites every Christmas.

  My Friends in Mr Bennett’s Class

  Steve Baker is my best friend. He lives five houses away.

  Alex Cartwright is very clever and very polite. But lies.

  Lance Adams is brilliant at football and has toys with batteries.

  Ben Sandford has glasses and protractors and says weird things.

  Leon Lawrence has long hair like his dad and listens to rock.

  Becky Hatton has dark hair and braces and a bra.

  Michael Thompson has curly black hair and red cheeks and fleas.

  Paul Jenkins is short and ordinary and always has a black comb.

  Ruth Simons is annoying but her mum is best friends with my mum.

  Emma Standish has long blonde hair and runs fast. I secretly love her.

  How I Described My Family in My ‘Describe Your Family’ Project

  My dad is an engineer who builds tunnels. He is like a mole.

  When he’s at home he likes to dig in his vegetable garden.

  My mum says he plants his seed potatoes too deep.

  This is one of the things they argue about.

  The others are evolution, the Rolling Stones and the Labour Party.

  My mum works in a hospice feeding people who are going to die.

  She says it’s not the same food we have at home.

  Nan shouts at the wrestling on TV. Grandad lives mostly in the shed.

  My twin sisters Lucy and Charlotte are both four years older than me.

  They tell me I was an accident. Mum says if I was, no one was hurt.

  My 10 Top Matchbox Cars

  Mercedes-Benz – present from Uncle Fritzfn1 to make up for World War II.

  VW Fastback – same car as my dad’s but in better condition.

  Ford Zodiac with removable spare tyre which got lost immediately.

  Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow – I only drive this on carpet.