My Life in Lists Read online

  Mercury Station Wagon – huge American car. Quite difficult to park.

  Ford Cortina – borrowed from cousin Eric who has eight exactly the same.

  Ford Transit camper van. I sometimes leave it out somewhere overnight.

  Leyland lorry with joinable pipes for sewage projects (Dad’s favourite).

  Ford GT so fast it’s very difficult to control especially on kitchen floor.

  Caravan. Stays parked in lay-by to offer Hot and Cold Food.

  fn1 Not a real uncle. Actually a German POW who stayed with my grandparents after the war for about 10 years doing the washing-up.

  What Happened to Paul Jenkins’s Felt Tips

  Paul Jenkins had twelve new felt tips in his brand-new pencil case.

  Six felt tips went missing including the red one.

  All the class had to look for them on the floor and in our pencil cases.

  Michael Thompson found the six missing ones in his pencil case.

  Including the red one. Mr Bennett said he was caught red-handed.

  Mr Bennett then hit him on the hand with a ruler once for every felt tip.

  At the end Michael Thompson’s hand was even redder.

  Paul Jenkins and Michael Thompson are no longer friends.

  Although to be honest they weren’t friends in the first place.

  The mystery is why he only stole six. Maybe he thought that was fair.

  Why My Dad Thinks My Nan Spoils Me

  My nan is incredibly old. Dad is her youngest child and he’s already old.

  Nan remembers a Zeppelin coming down in the First World War.

  A lot of the food she cooks has been picked or grown or hunted.

  She once skinned a rabbit which we had to eat for lunch.

  I didn’t really like it but she doesn’t take any nonsense.

  She gives my grandad bread and dripping for his lunch.

  Dripping is a layer of cold white fat on bread which is a treat for OAPs.fn1

  Nan’s larder is full of millions of jars of unidentified pickled stuff.

  The only real food she ever has in the larder is Rice Krispies.

  Which she makes for me with hot milk. Dad says this is ‘unprecedented’.

  fn1 Grandad says he smeared goose fat on himself when he was a child to keep warm. I’m surprised someone didn’t eat him for the dripping.

  Best Things Me and Steve Baker Did on the Summer Holidays

  Played cards with four packs at the same time. I had seven jokers.

  Took specially selected Matchbox cars on jungle safari down garden.

  Invented Subbuteo human sacrifice game. I lost whole team.

  Built hay-bale fort and defended it against Germans until tea.

  Rebuilt fort with cousin Eric with ‘improvements’ suggested by Dad.

  Visited Eric with broken arm in hospital after fall from ‘improvements’.

  Took bus into town with Ruth Simons and Emma Standish.fn1

  Slept in tent at bottom of garden with squash and digestive biscuits.

  Sold Mum’s quince pears to old ladies in street. Made 85p.

  Sent to room for selling Mum’s quince pears. Returned 55p.

  fn1 I invited Becky Hatton but the girls said they hated her.

  What I Do When I’m Sent to My Room

  Throw myself on bed, sniff and then sulk for a bit.

  Listen hard for extra punishments being prepared downstairs.

  Try sucking my thumb again but realise I’m far too grown up.

  Remind myself once again of how fundamentally unfair life is.

  Decide not to run away from home in case that involves camping.

  Get my big box of Lego out and build something utterly brilliant.

  So brilliant that it makes my parents look very small indeed.

  With their made-up rules about stuff that is not important to anyone.

  Line up my teddies as judging committee for Lego building competition.

  Award myself prize. Ask if I can come down for tea.

  The First Tragedy in My Life

  It was bad for me but much worse for my pet rabbit Worthington.

  I said I wanted a rabbit after reading Watership Down.

  My dad spent about a month building a fox-proof hutch.

  I think he used the plans for a nuclear bunker.

  Last night a strange noise woke me up. It was Worthington screaming.

  I looked out of the window and saw a badger attacking the hutch.

  I went to get my dad but similar noises were coming from their bedroom.

  I thought the whole house was being attacked by badgers.

  This morning Worthington was still safe in his hutch but dead.

  Of shock my dad said. Although him and Mum seemed to be OK.

  My First Impressions of Big School

  Everyone wears long trousers. I have said goodbye to my knees.

  The big kids are massive. I suddenly feel small again.

  We go to school on the bus. I sit on the top front seat.

  Big kids sit at the back. Poor choice in my opinion.

  Detention is really easy to get. I am learning harsh self-discipline.

  Steve is in a different form. He already has detention.

  There is a girl in my form called Hyacinth. Like the flower.

  I said Hi to her. She says that is not her nickname.

  I might be in love with Hyacinth. She is tall but not from distant Ophir.

  We get homework which is unfair. But I already know how unfair life is.

  Why I Don’t Like Football

  I can’t get my foot to connect with the ball. Especially when it’s moving.

  When I try to kick it some other idiot gets in the way. Or takes it.

  If the ball hits you it really hurts. Especially the head.

  I don’t understand what ‘man on’ means. What does it mean?

  Wouldn’t it be easier if everyone was on the same side?

  I can run very fast but not with the ball.

  I am best at ‘getting into space’ and staying there. Alone.

  I don’t trade football cards because I don’t have any.

  I don’t support Chelsea or anyone. How do you get started with a team?

  My parents have never even mentioned football. Didn’t they notice it?

  Weird Things My Mum Does with My Sandwichesfn1

  Wraps them in Christmas napkins for first six months of year.

  Cuts sandwiches in shape of a heart (I stopped this one immediately).

  Uses apple corer to take middle out and make Japanese flag.

  Gives me slightly stale mini Japanese suns the following day.

  Encourages ‘healthy grazing’ by cutting sandwiches into sixteenths.

  Sandwiches wrapped in ‘interesting’ book reviews from newspaper.

  Feudal agriculture days. Long thin strips of sandwiches.

  Up to 20 layers of tinfoil/cling film for pass-the-parcel lunch.

  Snippets of inspirational poetry put in box (normally about food).

  Added instructions to make smiley face with tomatoes and carrot.

  fn1 I have school dinners now.

  How My Mum and Dad Are Doing as Parents So Far

  Food is generally delivered on time and usually hot.

  There is far too much vegetables and not enough chips.

  They have some kind of religious objection to fizzy drinks.

  There are many cast-iron rules that suddenly emerge from nowhere.

  My mother ‘talks it out’ with me for hours until I’m totally confused.

  When my father points at me, danger is imminent.

  My dad has punished me by whacking me with a slipper twice.

  Apparently it hurts him more than me. He loves his slippers.

  I have been promised £100 if I don’t smoke before I’m 18.

  Seeing them dance together is excruciating, embarrassing, sickening.

  Why My Twin Sisters Lucy and Charlotte Tota
lly Ignore Me

  They are in self-contained twindom (not to be confused with Swindon).

  I am a ‘sullen, spotty, filthy, hormonal herbert’.

  They know what each other is going to say before they even say it.

  Nothing I could ever say would ever interest them ever.

  I don’t get girls’ ‘complex relationship dynamics’ (what are they?).

  I am only interested in ‘banging things together’.

  Science has proven that boys are always 15 years less mature than girls.

  Everything I am doing now they have already done better and neater.

  My school friends are all cretins.

  They think I smell.

  My Brutal New Hygiene Regime

  I shower/bath every day whether I need to or not.

  I use Zest soap because it makes me smell like lemon meringue pie.

  My flannel is blue. It has the world’s worst job.

  I scrub really thoroughly under my arms because they are the pits.

  Wash toes carefully. Nobody wants athlete’s foot, especially not athletes.

  I wash my bottom and my toggle and the strange area between.

  My father calls this ‘the mushroom danger area’.

  He means a high danger of fungal growth. I no longer eat mushrooms.

  I dry myself vigorously to ‘prevent chapping’ as my mother says.

  Which I believe is some kind of saddle sore.

  How Limestone Led Almost Directly to My First Kiss

  My class went on a Geography field trip to Malton in Yorkshire.

  We have reached the age where we all need to know about limestone.

  Three other schools were also there because of the limestone.

  On the final night there was a disco. I wore my new brown corduroys.

  ‘Knock on Wood’ by Amii Stewart jump-started me onto the dance floor.

  A new girl danced next to me which was exciting and frightening.

  We did some pretty fancy moves and then I bought her a Coke.

  Steve Baker was kissing her friend. We sat and watched for a moment.

  I sensed something needed to be done. She pointed to her lips.

  I aimed for them with mine. IT WAS LIKE THUNDER! LIGHTNING!fn1

  fn1 Lyrics from ‘Knock on Wood’ by Amii Stewart.

  Why Steve Baker and I Don’t Seem to be Friends Any More

  Steve is now cool. I don’t even know how that works.

  Steve is attractive to girls without making superhuman efforts.

  Steve smokes. I need my lungs for running and the £100.

  Steve doesn’t run like he used to. He was a brilliant sprinter.

  Steve sits at the back of the bus. I still prefer the front.

  Steve doesn’t work and is in the bottom set with the dummers.

  Steve’s parents are divorcing which makes him sad and interesting.

  Steve listens to music that is basically angry shouting.

  Steve thinks I’m a bit immature. Mum says I’m definitely not.

  My parents say he’s wasting his life. I might try wasting some of mine.

  How My Sister Lucy Became a Total Adult Virtually Overnight

  Lucy went outfn1 and got her first job as a waitress in Aloha.

  Aloha is a local Hawaiian-themed restaurant down by the station.

  It’s famous for its Full English Breakfasts. With pineapple.

  The pineapple is the only thing that has anything to do with Hawaii.

  Lucy doesn’t have to wear a hula skirt or say ‘aloha’.

  At home she tells everyone she is on the PAYE scheme which she loves.

  In her eyes the PAYE scheme makes her totally grown up.

  She has actually written to the tax office to introduce herself.

  And is now looking forward to doing her first annual tax return.

  My parents are more worried about Lucy than I’ve ever seen them before.

  fn1 She told Charlotte to wait at home.

  How I Miraculously Acquired Some Cool Points

  Grew to just over six foot tall. Might still be growing.

  Forgot to brush hair and realised it looked better.

  Increased the width of my tie knot to size of grapefruit.

  Stopped wearing my coat and literally became a lot cooler.

  Slowed my walk down so that other cool people could keep up with me.

  Beat Karl Edwards (who everyone hates) in school cross-country.

  Dumped Becky Hatton because she was three-timing me.fn1

  Designed the stage set for Romeo and Juliet as a disco laundry.

  I’m not an embarrassing dancer which everyone assumed I would be.

  Ruth likes my music collection. I might have to take her to Funky Town.

  fn1 Steve Baker and Lance Adams. Don’t think she realised you have to dump old boyfriends before getting new ones.

  Highlights of Fifth Form School Trip to Normandy

  Steve Baker bought panatella cigars in duty-free shop on ferry.

  Smoked my first cigar (not a cigarette so £100 from parents safe).

  Saw Bayeux Tapestry. How did we get invaded by needlepoint experts?

  Steve got drunk on Calvados and scraped face down pebbledash wall.

  Fell slightly in love with Sandrine our tall French tour guide.

  Ruth thinks she is patronising. I think she is beautifully haughty.

  Mixed feelings about Sandrine’s armpit hair. Exotic or repulsive?

  Mr Johnson our Geography teacher accused coach driver of drunk-driving.

  Extra day in Dinard because of no coach. Smoked panatella.

  What language exactly do the French speak? Nothing we’ve been taught.

  Reasons That I Am Now Probably a Man

  I know how to shave with a razor and can pull all the faces.

  I was in the top third of finishers in Aylesbury 10k race. Impressive.

  I haven’t played with Lego for months. Not properly anyway.

  I can see through the hypocrisy of grown-ups. They just don’t get it.

  I have driven a car (in Sainsbury’s car park).

  I now know what girls want even though I haven’t got most of it.

  My voice is deep and manly but sometimes doesn’t stay down.

  I have read Dostoevsky and empathise with the Russian weltschmerz.

  I know what weltschmerz means. It means world-weariness.

  I get very weltschmerzy when I think of the untouchable Emma Standish.

  What I Think of My Sisters Now I’m a Lot Taller Than Them

  Their self-contained world is smaller than I thought.

  I’m not the only one excluded. Mum and Dad are too.

  They don’t like the outside world and are therefore rude about it.

  Lucy subtly bullies Charlotte. Often without speaking.

  Boys are quickly attracted to them and then slowly repulsed.

  They never stop communicating even when they’re silent.

  They’re like one brain in two bodies. With four feet.

  I feel like the moon orbiting them. Dark and dead.

  I don’t think they’ll ever change. They finished developing in the womb.

  They are planning to move out to a small flat. I already don’t miss them.

  My Ingenious But Fattening Method of Revision

  Obviously the first thing I do is write a list of 10 things to revise.

  The first six things are the absolute minimum required to dispel ignorance.

  Points 7 and 8 will probably get me ‘solid passes’.fn1

  Do 9 & 10 and I will cause the examiners ripples of excitement.

  Points revised earn Maltesers. First point has one, second has two, etc.

  This evening I have done an impressive 10-pointer revision session.

  I’ve also eaten 55 Maltesers (2¾ bags).

  Which makes me feel exceptionally well prepared but sick.

  I’m going to have to come up with a new Malteser/revi
sion algorithm.

  But first I’ve got to look up exactly what algorithm means again.

  fn1 What my dad calls them. Don’t know why.

  Head vs Heart vs Breasts

  I think I should probably go out with Ruth Simons.

  We listen to music together in her bedroom for hours.

  She is Mum’s best friend’s daughter so it’s kind of convenient.

  But when I turn the light off at night I think of Becky Hatton.

  Especially her breasts.

  Technically I understand they are two bags of fat.

  But they generate more heat in my body than a Bessemer blast furnace.

  Ruth has given me The Female Eunuch by Germaine Greerfn1 to read.

  I think she’s laying the groundwork for us going out.

  The breasts on the cover remind me of Becky Hatton.

  fn1 Important Feminist Literature.

  My O-Level Results with Notes

  1. CHEMISTRY – A

  Impressive reaction from teacher.

  2. PHYSICS – A

  Magic moment(s).

  3. BIOLOGY – B

  B is for Biology so that seems fair.

  4. MATHS – A

  It was my algorithms that did it.

  5. ART – A

  Not bad for glorified doodling.

  6. FRENCH – D

  Total waste of Maltesers.

  7. GEOGRAPHY – B

  Found glaciers a bit slow-moving.

  8. HISTORY – C

  Disappointing but it’s all in the past now.

  9. ENGLISH LANG. – A

  Mother very happy.

  10. ENGLISH LIT. – A Mother almost weeping.

  Things My Dad Says Which Make Absolutely No Sense At All